An Affair to Remember

March 27, 2018

Over a glass of wine with an old friend, we revisited her past marriage, and as she rehashed some of the details (who am I kidding? ALL of the details – and I say this with love and a smile) something occurred to me. Why is it that all too often, we have this desire to turn every romances into a committed relationship? Sometimes the best relationships are simply meant to remain a wonderful, romantic affair – the kind you reminisce about with a private smile, in a quiet moment… perhaps when a certain song plays or the scent of a certain flower or food blows on a breeze and float through the air, taking you back and reminding you that you were young once.

There’s really nothing wrong with that. It’s neither wistful, wanting or bittersweet…it’s just a sweet memory and a moment in your life that in part, shaped who you are today.

We all deserve a private moment once in a while – so take that deep breath, drift away in that song for a moment….and then come back and move on….Life is indeed beautiful.

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There goes my Balloon

March 22, 2018

Just coming off my last post – I should come clean and admit that I am sure that I have disappointed some people as much as some people have disappointed me. I mean, I think that is a symptom of mankind. None of us can truly “cast the first stone,”  we are all guilty of hurting or letting someone down. Sometimes we have no idea and let’s be honest – sometimes, we damn well know it. Whatever the reason, and that the reason can be unimportant but the action means that we must remember to be accountable…even if it’s only in our most private moments. I know that for me, these moments come in the middle of the night when I wake up and can’t go back to sleep as I ruminate over every minute detail of my past – all those I have wronged (alongside the ponders of why my eyelids are crepey and what should I make for dinner).

Disappointment is opening a beautifully wrapped gift to find an obviously re-gifted bottle of body lotion in a scent that you would never wear. Darn……

Disappointment runs on so many levels – like the time you meet someone who you really feel as though you connected with and imagine that you are on the brink of forming a cool friendship, only to find out that they are either insincere or just plain crazy…hmmm…not quite what you were banking on. When a man flirts with you making you feel beautiful again – at a time you may have forgotten – and as though you were the only woman in the world, only to watch him repeat the same actions with someone else scant minutes later. Disappointment can run deeper though….as in when you have trusted and believed someone to truly be who they presented themselves to be, and to have nurtured a relationship with said person only to find out that they have betrayed your confidence and used your heart as their own tiny dance-floor. Sometimes, just like you – these people have no idea that they have disappointed you….that’s the hard part.

Damn – I hate it when my beautiful balloon escapes my grasp and I have to let it go…and watch it float up into the sky….I just know that I will be thinking about it in the middle of one of these nights…

The Friendship Brick

March 22, 2018

Sometimes a friendship drifts…. and as flexible as you believe you are, somehow you just can’t quite reach them and the most frustrating thing is that they are standing there, right at your fingertips – or are they? Maybe you are just being fooled by the illusion of the shadow of the friend you once had.

The very things that attracted you to this person, the sass and laughter – that wonderful unspoken understanding when you look at each other and just “know” what the other is thinking – the private language that develops between close friends and the deep trust that makes you feel safe… all of that has been melting away little by little over time and like a marriage that starts out as an incredible whirlwind romance but as each of you grows in different directions it fades into a cloud of criticism. Suddenly, it seems that you are not enough for them – not available enough, not supportive enough, just not in tune enough  – or so goes the talk behind your back. I think deep down your hearts stay the same but the curve balls of life are sometimes more difficult to catch and they change each one of you more than you anticipated…and sadly, you learn that the unbreakable strength of your relationship has been replaced by a fragile thread. It’s an unspoken break-up that no one wants to accept, and the disappointment of this realization feels like such a betrayal and yet – is it? Or is it just that some relationships simply come due – run out of steam….and you run out of room in your life.

The most painful part is that there can still be glimmers of the good times – the moments when you are both “one.” There is the occasional exchange of the knowing glance, the shared joke –  and you can still manage to occasionally  finish each others sentence and burst into laughter at the same joke.

Someone once told me that the only constant in life – is change.

Change – it’s probably one of the most difficult things for us to accept…but accept it I do, because as much as it breaks my heart, I must  – because she has become a brick and  is pulling me down to a place I don’t want to end up ….and it’s time for me to re-surface.

Friendship?

February 28, 2018

The complexities of Friendship have been on my mind lately. Perhaps because of certain changes I am seeing or just a new awareness that I am experiencing (you’re never too old to learn!).

The lack of effort in some people that we call our friends to connect is intriguing, although I have to be honest and confess that I too have been on the other end of that very peculiar habit.

Why is it so difficult and take so much effort to see someone we call “Friend?” Because here is the most ironic part of this situation -when we do indeed finally make that connection, we come away feeling so energized, motivated and inspired. Why wouldn’t we go to the ends of the earth to create that scenario and experience those exhilarating feelings on a more regular basis?  I know that I always feel like a more complete, balanced person when I’ve spent some time with a friend. Friends adjust the tiny  gears in our souls that make us better running machines.

I also know, that as I get (just a tad!) older, I become less interested in trying to convince friends to get together. I am not willing to move heaven and earth anymore. Energy  is a precious commodity and it has limits and I would rather spend my energy on those who truly want to receive and exchange it.

 

The 5 O’Clock

February 28, 2018

I have a friend who is leaving…again. We went through the same scenario 15 years ago when she moved with her family clear across the country and as luck would have it, it was at one of the worst times in my life. I was going through my own personal crisis and so needed her. Yet – despite the 3,00 miles between us, we still managed to keep up our “5 O’Clock”  – that’s what we called it when we lived a mere 4 blocks apart and called each other everyday on the phone at the witching hour; dinner prep/ homework with our older kids.

Now, she is moving again – but this time, for herself. She is an empty-nester and changing career paths by being back in school and is also caring for an aging mother on the side. I will, of course, miss her more than words can say – mostly because I have always relied on her just “being there” and recently came to the realization that I didn’t appreciate that fact and took it for granted, It recently dawned on me that there were times when she felt completely alone (kids aside) and I was busy and consumed with living my own life and juggling my family, and life had become increasingly complicated with a terminally ill parent ….but you know what I realized? While those are perfectly good reasons – they are not a good enough excuse to leave a friendship unattended – to leave a friend floating out on the big sea of life on a little raft. Of course, I was not her only friend; there were others who could have stepped up to the plate – but I can only accept my part of the responsibility, and I do.

….sadly, truth be told –  the 5 O’Clock has long since passed in our lives….but maybe there is room for the new, early morning call (thank you menopause 🙂 )

 

What size is your High-Hat?

February 25, 2018

I am going to go out on a limb and assume that judging is an exhausting pastime – or perhaps it is an intoxicating hobby? At any rate – we have ALL been judged at one time (or perhaps for some, regularly).

The annoying thing about this little human penchant is that, for the most part when you are being judged, you are already well aware of your weakness. and honestly – you hardly ever need that spotlight – especially when you are working on ridding the less-than-perfect feature.

Ironically – those that watch, assess and  criticize never seem to recognize their own weakness or bad habit – funny how that spotlight shines in only one direction.

Drifting Apart

February 3, 2018

There are people in our lives – good friends, close friends, neighbors, co-workers,  confidants. People with whom we spend our every day –  and over time, we somehow seem to just noticeably float apart. No harsh words fall between us and there is no falling out….just a silent, simple, subtle and undefined drifting that leaves a soulful sense of confusion and emptiness

Over the years I have wondered and often agonized at how these driftings could have occurred and I miss these people because from time to time, each one of them in their own special way were the effortless magic thread in the fabric of my daily life. Some had that perfect, unspoken warm and knowing glance or smile that I needed…and some just made me laugh…hysterically. I still feel the same way about these wonderful people who, for a long time, filled all the tiny holes that we all carry in our hearts and souls. Where, how and why did all those intimate connections seep out of my soul? I have spent years mourning some of the losses, trying to decipher the reason why these deeply important connections just evaporated away.

Then, recently, it dawned on me that perhaps, it’s simply a case of us not needing each other anymore – maybe we gave each other all and everything that each of us needed at the time…and no matter how much we miss the laughter, private jokes and warm knowing glances. it’s time to move on from each other so that new people will have room to fill in those spaces for the new experiences that we will have.