You’re HOW old?

March 30, 2013

What happened to my old clothes and why don’t they fit anymore? Two years ago I lost 35 lbs and as I happily leapt off the scale the day I reached my goal, and attempted to dive into my old jeans – Bam! Fail. W-h-a-t?? I used to wear those jeans all the time when I was 30 – and I weigh less now than I did when I was 30. What happened? And those two favorite, f-a-v-o-r-i-t-e shirts that I held onto…they are suddenly just way too snug on my arms. I know I didn’t grow;  hell – I think I’m actually starting to shrink at this point! Ok – maybe I’m exaggerating on that point. (It’s just that my kids are no longer toddlers looking up at me, they are teens and twenty-somethings looking at the top of my head). I don’t know what it is. Nobody ever  prepares a woman for these changes. Oh sure – they are all too quick to announce the obvious  hormonal changes that occur at what I like to call, this “delicate” time in our lives – but not the other, rather frightening changes….like the fact that your butt drops a couple of inches (no matter how in shape you are!). That”s right gals – your butt is what is slipping into the upper thigh portion of your skinny jeans….and your shirts are not  tighter because your upper arms are – it’s just that when you wave goodbye – a teeny potion of your lower upper arms are waving goodbye too. Now so far, my neck’s not too bad, a few lines here and there,  but seeing as most of my peers are wearing glasses now, I am not too worried (and young people think you’re old once you’re 35 anyway). I have been creaming my neck on the good advice of my dear late grandmother. She always told me that you could tell a woman’s age by her hands and her neck (very true by the way – check those tight Hollywood stars out sometime!). So ladies – take heed and break out the cream!

Oh, and Guys – don’t think for a moment that you are getting off easy. When your man puts on his old college sweatshirt, the reason it is short in the sleeves (“Honey did you wash this – because it seriously shrunk!”) is probably his belly…and they are just as susceptible to those “bat wings” as we ladies are – it’s  just less noticeable due to the fact that nature gave them bigger muscles which, by the way, we gals like to regularly work for them: “Honey – please lift/move this very heavy object….you know – the kitchen chair into the dining room – we’re having company for dinner.”

I’m not even going to get into the need for a larger shoe size (thank you pregnancy and babies) or the fact that I need not only my reading glasses but sometimes a magnifying glass too (thank you  computer age for printing everything in micro-size) or the fact that everything kind of hurts, head to toe when I first get up in the morning. I’m healthy and well, I’m alive, I’ve survived and I – am – beautiful! ….Now, pass the cream.

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2 Responses to “You’re HOW old?”

  1. Barbara Weber Says:

    Well, you could always “photoshop” out anything you don’t want to see in your pics. You used to be an expert at that.lol


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