Running out of time?

October 28, 2010

Sometimes I worry that I am running out of time. It’s not that I think I am about to die or anything…it’s just that I have so many wonderful, creative dreams – some I’ve been fortunate enough to fulfill  – but there are so many more. You know when I was 25, I saw the road ahead of me as endless with endless possibilities and room to always add more. Now at 50, I still see the road ahead of me – the problem is that it doesn’t seem so endless – there’s kind of fog part way down.You have to be honest with yourself at this point – there are some things that you will never do. Like, you will never have a baby again..I mean, it’s an impossibility and quite simply – that time in your life is now simply over. I mean, that’s ok – it’s as it should be. It’s just the idea that something in your life is over forever.  I’m not down about these things – I am a very positive person….it’s more a matter of being surprised. I guess I never thought of myself has having limits…but at some point you do….who knew? Guess that was the surprise.

I am also very blessed to have a loving husband and best friend of almost 25 years – he is a constant cheerleader and supporter. I have three wonderful kids – respectful, bright, goal orientated and family rooted.- so I am not complaining. But to have these things has a price too – a certain amount of sacrifice – of hard work…all most definitely worth it. It’s just that I’ve come to realise that I might have lost a little piece of myself along the way to making all of that work. I have the time to dream – but not the time to see them through. No one told me when I was younger, that my commitments would take such priority and that the “leftover” time was what I would get.

And yes, I know that once all the children have grown and gone – I will have all the time in the world (when I’m not wistfully missing my young children) but I will be older. Older is fine – but it does have some limits to it…maybe they are the limits we impose on ourselves. I will have changed – desires for certain things that are burning within me now – will fan out…and while I know they can be replaced by new things – I feel a certain sense of loss in those old friends.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that when I look back – there is more behind me that there is ahead – it’s simply a fact – but one that surprised me….you know how people tell you “don’t look down” when you are climbing – or you’ll lose your balance? Well, now I’m thinking – be careful and hold on when you look back, too.

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