Grief

August 6, 2009

Today I had to go for a basically routine test at the hospital and all I could think was that 10 years ago on this very same day I was in this same hospital waiting to lose a baby….

I was 5 months pregnant  & the tests had come back badly…oh so badly…more problems than anyone could live with  – more problems that I could ever begin to impose on the two children that we already had….so bravely, I think, my husband and I walked in to the hospital very well aware of what was going to happen – I thank God for the unspeakable love that we have between us.

They induced labor…I spent all day waiting…waiting…waiting and praying that I would not feel that baby move inside of me before the inevitable happened. Another day later they intensified the medications and the labor came on brutally hard and fast – the pain was excruciating – an unfair assault as  I knew that the end was result was only going to be sadness –  we would not be going home, holding a beautiful baby in our arms … Still, I was in a hurry for  her to be born so that she could be set free – free to float back to  the heavens above from where I believe she was sent..and finally, late that night – she arrived…and she went…..and we were both ok with that – we had made peace with that before all of this started.

My husband hardly left my side – we have been in everything together from the day we met.

Now, I know that since that time I have been blessed with the most remarkable, beautiful, funny little girl….and I am grateful – believe me…but on this particular day, I feel that I am the only one who remembers the little spirit who grew inside of me for 5 short months….and although I believe, without a shadow of doubt that everything that transpired over those couple of days was the right thing – was destiny…..I still can’t believe that the only appointment that I could get for this test was on this very day in this very place…..

As we walked in I swore that I recognised a couple of people as having been there on the same day that I was, 10 long years ago ….but maybe all I was recognising was  a mutual sense of  grief……….

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3 Responses to “Grief”

  1. kate Says:

    I can relate, having lost a baby two years ago. People are quick to remind me of my blessings but not so sympathetic for my loss.

  2. Tracy Says:

    I can also relate. In July 2007 we lost our son due to a prolapsed cord during the final stages of labour. Exactly a year later I was back in the same hospital, on the same floor, for the 12 week ultrasound with our subsequent pregnancy. I was a wreck for the whole ultrasound and bawled when the technician confirmed a strong heartbeat. Thankfully, our second son arrived safely in January 2009.

  3. Lucy Says:

    The burden’s we carry are sometimes light, usually heavy and almost always invisible.


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