Road Trip

April 24, 2018

My youngest daughter is 17 – and “all that” – if you know what I mean. Head full of the images of freedom, heart beating with creative ideas and endless possibilities. Her cheeks are perpetually flushed with excitement whenever she discusses her dreams – – but I am grateful that at least she shares her dreams….for the most part!

She’s chomping at the bit to break out – not to be mistaken with moving out. She is still happy to live here at home with us and be part of the family….but she is ready to Go and Explore. For the last year she has been talking about and loosely planning this fabulous Road Trip that she imagines taking with a couple of her friends – you know, hopping into a car and hitting the open road. Clearly, my first concern is the driving. Teenage driving…aimlessly and  wherever the wind blows them – with no real, concrete plan. Windows open, wind in their hair, music blasting…..hmm – where have I seen that before? Oh yeah – me – a million years ago.

it’s not that I against road trips….it’s just that this time, I’m the parent.



Lately, its been an eye-opening experience for me on how little some people who say they care, think of you – lip service seems to be quite the acquired skill.

I sprained my knee a few weeks ago – and trust me, while I fully realize that it’s hardly a life threatening illness; I  have been annoyingly sidelined, spending 3 weeks just sitting on my couch recuperating in a brace. I’m not supposed to stand or walk so it’s all TV all the time, meshed up with magazines and books. I am literally considering changing my last name to Fieri (thanks to Guy’s Big Bite) and expect the Property Brothers to breeze in and redo my bathroom, laundry room and living room, Lol!

Like I said – nowhere near being a life threatening or serious ill condition…but a damned nuisance of an accident.

What is interesting is how virtually none of my “friends”who know (because I’m not the broadcasting type so many are unaware, and that’s just fine) have called or simply shot out a quick  text to see how I’m doing. I mean – it is only a bad sprain but it sure would brighten my day to get a “Hi, thinking about you” – it need be nothing more but would have given me a little lift, sort of like a modern-day version of the get well card- remember those?  At any rate – I guess that the bottom line is that everyone wants to be thought of.

Now – I did say virtually none because, of course –  there have been those couple of friends who have regularly checked in. They are always the ones who come through in any crisis – no matter how big or small and they also the ones who volunteer for every project that someone might have. One friend calls me a 2-3  times a week for that quick chat that reminds me that I am missed in the day-to-day of life and helps to keep me from going crazy from the boredom.  Another friend (my personal Angel) came by with a meal and bottle of wine – not so much because I/my family needs it desperately – as I do have a 25 year old daughter who is home and fully hands on – but it was so thoughtful to give my daughter the “day off and to simply show me her love and support, making make me feel better – she truly is her own personal brand of chicken-soup.

I am disappointingly surprised at how many people have expected me to still “be there”and  to participate as I normally would, in several activities both socially and professionally (Really ? I can’t stand – people!) . So again, as I said earlier, I am no where near suffering from a serious illness and I’m not in traction or a cast – but it has been physically impossible for me to “do” – I have to recuperate appropriately (I do have my medical orders and, hey, I ain’t gettin’ any younger!).

No flowers , cards or candy needed  but I guess I just kind of expected a bit – just a teeny, tiny bit,of babying and care/support…the  kind I have tried to show others. Boo-hoo…I know, ultimately just being a whiner – bring on the Brie and Camembert!

Then again – I have had a lot of time to truly re-evaluate my own life; how I participate in the day -to -day of friends and neighbors – how I can improve; have I been helpful enough – what more could I be doing for others?  There has also been time to ponder and examine my relationships and I both found and lost respect for some people….not earth shattering realizations but definitely a disappointment in those who tout themselves as such supportive/caring people. It has not only been eye-opening – but also  heart-opening  – especially in those who take the 5 minutes to check in and uplift others.

All of this thinking has reminded me that now that I am pretty much mended enough to jump (ok – “step”) back into regular daily life, I MUST remember to stay diligent and make every effort to keep up my end of the caring circle. As they say, you’ve got to practice what you preach!

Cream – no Sugar

April 23, 2018

Ahhh – middle age – the era of cream, cream and more cream. Putting myself together these days is like putting together an IKEA dresser – vague instructions left up to interpretation and sometimes some obscure spare parts.

There is gel for my eyelids and brow bone, smoothing cream for my oh-so-delicate under eye area to be followed with dark circle concealer and color correcting cream (to combat all those menopausal insomniac nights). Face forward; start with primer, you know – so all your other creams (and make-up, should you dare) stick. Then it’s onto the actual age-defying face cream with SPF 1000, jaw line lift cream, forehead smoothing cream, neck emollient and décolleté firming cream, plumping lip conditioner (following an exfoliation buffing gel – gotta get that flaky pucker ready to smile without cracking!). Not to be forgotten – scaly arm and leg cream, tummy tightening lotion, cellulite toning oil and elbow enriching balm. Oh yes – lest I forget – age spot fade cream.

Some days I literally slide into bed at night and in the morning, carefully try to slip into my cloths without falling – always trying to remain silky smooth and never sticky….REALLY??? I remember when being sticky was kinda fun – LOL!

Sidelined for 3 L-O-N-G weeks by a knee injury has left me with the unexpected gift of thought. Not being able stand for any length of time or walk around  means that other than reading countless magazines, watching every cooking and DIY show (I have quite the list of projects for my poor husband!) and perusing the internet – I have had plenty of time to re-visit memories, examine and re-evaluate relationships . Some people have come so clearly into focus that I wonder how long I’ve been wearing emotional sunglasses…and why have I?

When you get the chance to stop and think without the normal, everyday distractions – you really have to wonder –  how it is possible that you could be seemingly so in charge of your life and yet have regularly wandered around carelessly aimless on your life’s many diverse paths?

There are so many truly wonderful, caring, kind and loving people in your life – people who enrich, inspire and support you and they are the treasures that contribute to and share in making the journey of life the miracle it is. I have been reveling in how fortunate I am to have these beauties in my life.

On the other hand, it becomes disconcertingly  clear just how many “hangers-on” there are in your midst. In some ways they have been hiding in plain sight all along and yet, truth be told, you invited them in…well, that will teach your for buying emotional sunglasses at the dollar store!

An Affair to Remember

March 27, 2018

Over a glass of wine with an old friend, we revisited her past marriage, and as she rehashed some of the details (who am I kidding? ALL of the details – and I say this with love and a smile) something occurred to me. Why is it that all too often, we have this desire to turn every romances into a committed relationship? Sometimes the best relationships are simply meant to remain a wonderful, romantic affair – the kind you reminisce about with a private smile, in a quiet moment… perhaps when a certain song plays or the scent of a certain flower or food blows on a breeze and float through the air, taking you back and reminding you that you were young once.

There’s really nothing wrong with that. It’s neither wistful, wanting or bittersweet…it’s just a sweet memory and a moment in your life that in part, shaped who you are today.

We all deserve a private moment once in a while – so take that deep breath, drift away in that song for a moment….and then come back and move on….Life is indeed beautiful.

There goes my Balloon

March 22, 2018

Just coming off my last post – I should come clean and admit that I am sure that I have disappointed some people as much as some people have disappointed me. I mean, I think that is a symptom of mankind. None of us can truly “cast the first stone,”  we are all guilty of hurting or letting someone down. Sometimes we have no idea and let’s be honest – sometimes, we damn well know it. Whatever the reason, and that the reason can be unimportant but the action means that we must remember to be accountable…even if it’s only in our most private moments. I know that for me, these moments come in the middle of the night when I wake up and can’t go back to sleep as I ruminate over every minute detail of my past – all those I have wronged (alongside the ponders of why my eyelids are crepey and what should I make for dinner).

Disappointment is opening a beautifully wrapped gift to find an obviously re-gifted bottle of body lotion in a scent that you would never wear. Darn……

Disappointment runs on so many levels – like the time you meet someone who you really feel as though you connected with and imagine that you are on the brink of forming a cool friendship, only to find out that they are either insincere or just plain crazy…hmmm…not quite what you were banking on. When a man flirts with you making you feel beautiful again – at a time you may have forgotten – and as though you were the only woman in the world, only to watch him repeat the same actions with someone else scant minutes later. Disappointment can run deeper though….as in when you have trusted and believed someone to truly be who they presented themselves to be, and to have nurtured a relationship with said person only to find out that they have betrayed your confidence and used your heart as their own tiny dance-floor. Sometimes, just like you – these people have no idea that they have disappointed you….that’s the hard part.

Damn – I hate it when my beautiful balloon escapes my grasp and I have to let it go…and watch it float up into the sky….I just know that I will be thinking about it in the middle of one of these nights…

The Friendship Brick

March 22, 2018

Sometimes a friendship drifts…. and as flexible as you believe you are, somehow you just can’t quite reach them and the most frustrating thing is that they are standing there, right at your fingertips – or are they? Maybe you are just being fooled by the illusion of the shadow of the friend you once had.

The very things that attracted you to this person, the sass and laughter – that wonderful unspoken understanding when you look at each other and just “know” what the other is thinking – the private language that develops between close friends and the deep trust that makes you feel safe… all of that has been melting away little by little over time and like a marriage that starts out as an incredible whirlwind romance but as each of you grows in different directions it fades into a cloud of criticism. Suddenly, it seems that you are not enough for them – not available enough, not supportive enough, just not in tune enough  – or so goes the talk behind your back. I think deep down your hearts stay the same but the curve balls of life are sometimes more difficult to catch and they change each one of you more than you anticipated…and sadly, you learn that the unbreakable strength of your relationship has been replaced by a fragile thread. It’s an unspoken break-up that no one wants to accept, and the disappointment of this realization feels like such a betrayal and yet – is it? Or is it just that some relationships simply come due – run out of steam….and you run out of room in your life.

The most painful part is that there can still be glimmers of the good times – the moments when you are both “one.” There is the occasional exchange of the knowing glance, the shared joke –  and you can still manage to occasionally  finish each others sentence and burst into laughter at the same joke.

Someone once told me that the only constant in life – is change.

Change – it’s probably one of the most difficult things for us to accept…but accept it I do, because as much as it breaks my heart, I must  – because she has become a brick and  is pulling me down to a place I don’t want to end up ….and it’s time for me to re-surface.